My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
