It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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