Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
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