She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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