my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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