i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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