chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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