we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
