i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
