I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
