The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
