I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
How naked do you want me to be?
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