I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
