I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
