It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
