I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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