I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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