From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
