I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
