I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
