my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
