Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
FUCK WHALES
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