Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
