maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
