i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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