these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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