I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
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We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
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Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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