the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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