I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
