I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
