So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
We are all done wearing pants today
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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