I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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