Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
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He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
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He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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