I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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