So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
