I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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