Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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