He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
