I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
