does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
