I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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