I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
