i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
