I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
they're like a gay fantastic four
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
