I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
