when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
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Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
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On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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