Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
