my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
this beer tastes like vomit already
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
