My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
