70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
