does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
