turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
