I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
