If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
barbara walters just said penis...
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
