I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
