mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think your dad took our porno
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
