We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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