Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
